Just Take a Number
by Reddo Meijisu
Summary: [ FFIV FFVI Fairly OddParents ] When villains Zeromus and Kefka get sent to the place of 'Eternal Punishment,' Luna and Gaia only known they'd want to return sooner, but not for the reasons you'd expect, most likely..


_Just Take a Number_  
by Aa-chan ('Magess-hime')  
  
Disclaimer: All Final Fantasy 4 & 6 references = Square.  
Fairly Oddparents refs = Butch Hartman/whoever.  
  


- - - - - - -

  
  
"Now serving.. Number three-thousand-four-hundred-thirty-three.."  
  
The throbbing where the blade had plunged right through his chest had never ceased its agonizing assiduousness; even when the cloak of darkness came over him. That's where it all ended, anyway. The hazy horizontal lines had dissipated like stardust, and the next thing he knew, he was standing at this doorway leading into what appeared to be a waiting room for the next available apothecary.  
  
"Just take a number, sir. The council will be with you shortly."  
  
He, Zeromus, didn't seem to hear the voice, nor did he seem to remember aimlessly walking towards the opposite side of the room where a tape dispenser idly rested, bolted against the wall; the hem of the tattered robes he wore 'swished' against the ground, prelittered with the tresses of dark-red flames. Most would've though it odd that he didn't catch fire (even he, if he weren't in such a daze at the moment), but neither did the rest of the room's occupants. Several dark-shrouded figurinnes seemed to be herded in a 'z'-shaped line, bordered by crude red ropes tied to silver-coloured poles; chipped and grungy from time, he supposed, casting a violet-colored eye towards the mess of beings trapped within them.  
  
"Now serving.. Number three-thousand-four-hundred-thirty-five.."  
  
"Daily, or in total?" Zeromus mumbled to himself, pulling his gaze down to the piece of paper he now held in one blue-skinned clawed hand. _Order#: 3,999.._  
  
"Now serving.. Number three-thousand-four-hundred-thirty-six.."  
  
This was going to take awhile.  
  
"I feel your pain, pal. You'd think they hurry the 'hell' up - excuse the pun, _uwehehe!_ - and serve us, instead of taking their sweet-ass time!"  
  
Zeromus merely glared at the bustling of another figure: a mess of ponytailed blonde hair and shabbily cloistered emerald, gold, and crimson robes. Had the inches upon the heels he wore (and had Zeromus not of gathered somehow this demonic delineation was male, he would've mistaken him for that of the opposite, if not also for the powdered white face, and lip-paint swirls.) were a _little_ bit taller, he would've passed his height indefinetly.  
  
"Who cares. I could spend a day in this place, and not care. It seems more my type here than on that damn moon with the rest of those stupid Lunarians, anyways," Zeromus gruffed, audible enough, he knew, for the other man to hear, despite his wish he'd turn around, and leave. "Going back would be a sin in itself."  
  
"_UWEHEHEHE!_" (Zeromus winced.) "That's what they all say, buddy, and personally, I agree with you," he smirked, reaching out a neatly nail-trimmed hand. "General Kefka Palazzo, even though the only 'generalization' I've made is to bring down that blasted World of Balance! _UWEHEHEHEHE!_"   
  
"Zeromus Ri.." the Lunarian muttered, replacing what should've been a returning handshake with a painful recoil. Already he was having second doubts about spending the rest of eternity with this insane marauder.  
  
Kefka's laughter instantly diminished to a normal talking tone, although the same smirk played on his lips. "Together, Zeromus, you and I could escape the clutches of this 'hell hole' -- Uwehee, excuse the pun again -- and escape back to where our worlds divide, because I know you're not from my region, as is half of everyone else here," he paused to gesture towards the herding line. "I heard the Couriér this hour is a real idiot anyway so it shouldn't be a problem! C'mon, wha'dya say? There's at least six-hundred people in front of us waiting to have their fate decided by the council anyway," he added, watching Zeromus glance wanly at his ticket, "it's not like we're going to miss anything important."  
  
"Just promise me one thing, Palazzo," Zeromus sighed, shoving the piece of paper into a tattered pocket.  
  
"Yeah?" the ex-General's eyes widened with curiosity, and a stupid look of glee.  
  
"Don't laugh, or else I will find some damnable way within these realms to kill you."  
  
A malicious grin spread across the clown-masked face. "Fair enough."  
  


* * *

  
  
Zeromus couldn't count how long it had been, nor was he sure he wanted to, that they had marched outside of the waiting room-eque, and into the extended branch of Hades' realm, which seemed to intermix and match perfectly in neverending tones of deathly red, to its oranged counterpart, to their illuminanced yellow. In its hold, he had also started concentrating on other things, such as how he was going to skewer that idiot, FuuSoo, and ploy his revenge on the one who brought him here in the first place.  
  
_A little arsenic might do it.. No. Demi. Yes, Demi. Although that stupid blonde wench of Cecil's counterred it perfectly! Bah! I'll kill her first then._  
  
"Hmph. Charon, or Cerberus, isn't here, as I've told you. Just those two bumbling idiots over there," came Kefka's voice, rather unexpectedly in Zeromus' delusions. "It shouldn't be too terribly hard to throw them off so we can take one of those flats, and get out of here."  
  
It took him all in that time to realize that the General had pulled him behind a mass of molten rock, and he was blandly staring in the direction of two small figures, blanketed evil theirselves in the wake of Hell's firelight. "If you say so, Palazzo, but I get a feeling --"  
  
"Feelings are for wussies!" snorted Kefka, grabbing Zeromus' purple-cloaked arm to catch his attention towards him. "We should take the chance now, and get out of here! There's a little green-haired half-esper wench, and another Magi-infused General, I'd like to get my hands on, and --"  
  
"That wouldn't happen to be ME, would it, Kefkie?!"  
  
Both Lunarian and Magitek General whirled around at the sound of a slightly high-pitched male voice, only to soon either glare (Kefka), or stare in near-utter stupidity (Zeromus) at its owner: a floating, almost sylph-like figure with hair and eyes as emerald as the leaves of Gaia's forest in spring, and wings as crystal-clear as the purest snow. Perhaps the only thing that didn't seem sylph-like was the almost stupid grin he wore along with the long-sleeved white shirt, black tie, and coal-colored slacks.  
  
"YOU! How DARE you call me that?! DON'T CALL ME THAT!!" yelled Kefka, stomping the molten ground in a tantrumatic stupor. "Never, ever, EVER call me that, or I'll rip your lungs out!" Zeromus was taken aback, partly from the appearance of the impetuous-flitted sycophant, but moreso from the sudden outburst of the blonde-haired archfiend. "Palazzo, who is that?"  
  
"Cosmo!" the Magitek General snarled, glaring unpurposefully at the Lunarian, before sliding his gaze back to indifferent creature. "Stupid fairy, I should've known it was you, hiding like the stupid fool you were over there! Why must you ALWAYS torment me?!"  
  
"He was the one who laughed at me, _deliberately_, in the Esper World, when Gestahl and I had opened the door. Said my robes were ugly," he added, turning back to the Lunarian. "I thought he was one of those stupid Sylphs, and I thought he'd be through when I drained the magicite out of him! But he wasn't, _he wasn't, and didn't have any magicite because he's a stupid fairy that had time-traveled!_!" he yelled, almost whining at that.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Kefka-insane-crazy-person, what was that?" Cosmo's head shook slightly. "I had to get this piece of magma you stomped up out of my ear.."  
  
"_AAAAAAAAAUGGGH!_"  
  
"_Digo es_, what is going on here?!" the sound of an invisible voice surrouded the three, only to eventually have its owner appear in a cloud of magenta-tinged dust. "Cosmo, ah! You idiot! I turn around to look at _el rio del Styx_, like you tell me to, and _que_--?!"  
  
"Well, it was your own fault for listening to me, Mister 'My-Hair-is-Very-Ugly'!" snapped the green-haired fairy, turning to glare at his counterpart. Unlike Cosmo, his skin was darker, and his hair, a coal black, which seemed to match aplenty with the simple tan shirt, and grey trousers he wore over his muscular frame.  
  
"I cannot believe the love of my life, _mi es amor_, Wanda, could actually fall for an blithering idiot such as yourself!" continued the newly appeared, ignoring Cosmo, the back of his hand plastered against his forehead meoldramatically. "Oh, Juandissimo Magnifico is saddened!"  
  
"Blithering idiot?! Well.. I AM one, afterall," Cosmo said, placing his fingers underneath his chin thoughtfully.  
  
"ENOUGH!!" growled Zeromus, who was about to get a headache from listening to the fairies snap back at each other. He quickly stepped forward, grabbing them by the collars of their shirts. "I order the both of you to shut the holy Meteo up before I--"  
  
Juandissimo's shirt instantly ripped, like worn parchment. "_Señor, por favor_," he began, only to snap his mouth shut as Zeromus glared at him. Cosmo's eyes rolled in disgust, as he muttered something distinctly along the lines of "Stupid show-off."  
  
"Now listen _very_ carefully, now that you've shut your mouths," seethed the Lunarian, shifting his gaze slowly from either two. "My cohort and I need one of those flats, and we need one RIGHT NOW, because if I don't get revenge on the little sissy-boy Paladin who killed me --"  
  
"He couldn't of been too much of a sissy, considering he killed you!" giggled Cosmo, who suddenly wished he hadn't.  
  
"--And Palazzo doesn't get to do what he was set out to do," continued Zeromus, ignoring the choking pleas of the green-haired fairy, whose neck was now in his grasp, rather than his shirt collar, "then we're both going to shove you in that burning pile of magma over there. Considering you're not dead already, you'll die instantly."  
  
"_Ee..eee...Ee..ga..aa.aa..d_," gasped Cosmo, who was desperately trying to unwrench the clammy violet-skinned hands of the Lunarian from his neck. Kefka, who had been watching with silent contempt ("I could've done that!" he'd tell Zeromus later), suddenly burst into laughter at seeing the poor fairy in pain.  
  
"_UWEEHEHEHEHEHE!_ How do YOU like pain, my little friend?! Perhaps I should tell you how _stupid_ your clothing is, and rip your _stupid_ hair out as I do!!" cachinnated the Magitek General, with a determined look in his eyes. Zeromus and Juandissimo winced, while Cosmo, instead of trying to free himself, pressed the tightened grasp of Zeromus's hand as hard as he could with one hand, while desperately trying to sink the Lunarian's (almost perfectly manicured) nails into his neck with the other.  
  
"PALAZZO!" barked Zeromus, as the General's insane laughter continued, then came to a complete halt, with an occasional snicker. "Concentrate, damn it, or we'll never get out of here," he commanded, releasing Cosmo from his grasp in a motion that someone throwing the towel in might.  
  
"But _mi dos amigos_, I am afraid that is _non-posible_," said Juandissimo (who Cosmo instantly hid behind once he got his breath back), tentative to speak ever since the Lunarian glared at him. "You see, the _barcos_.."  
  
"Take us to them, or we stick you in magma," said Zeromus, coldly, glancing at his blonde-haired consociate for affirmation, who was still glancing after the green-haired fairy with the same look in his eyes.  
  
"I hope they don't, because I'm gonna ENJOY that! UWEHEHE --"  
  
"_PAAAALAAAAZZO!!!_"  
  
"Quick, _tu stupido_, now _es_ our chance!" hissed Juandissimo, over his shoulder to Cosmo. "We can get the -- Cosmo?"  
  
But Cosmo, rather figuredly, as his short-attention-span was widely known to anyone who knew him, was now next to the dark-haired fairy, excitedly watching the impromptu brawling taking place between the two archfiends. "Woohoo! I bet my collection of nickles the stupid one with those unsawwed girly nails is gonna kick Kefkie's tushie!"  
  
"You know, you might be right," Juandissimo nodded, analyzing the battle himself. "His _flaca_ posture make for -- AUGH, _es tu stupido_, Cosmo! Focus! While they're is at it, we can --"  
  
"I hope you like pain, Palazzo, 'cause I'm gonna give you it!" snarled Zeromus, thrusting his fist into the air as though brandishing an invisible sword.  
  
"HA! You've forgotten, _I'm_ the master of pain!" snapped Kefka, unable to let a repressive snicker out of his mouth, which only irritated Zeromus more.  
  
"YOU DIE NOW!" the Lunarian shouted, unclenching his fist, so that the digits of his thick-skinned hand were splayed. An aura of cerulean-light drawled rapidly inward towards his palm, illuminating his horrid visage.  
  
"NOW! Cosmo, pay attention, _con Diosa!_"  
  
"What?!" the Dark Lunarian hissed, taking his gaze off of Kefka for a moment, whose body was surging with sparks of violet-coloured electricity. "You stupid faries, can't you see we're--"  
  
And that was all.  
  


* * *

  
  
Zeromus, nor Kefka, never knew exactly what hit them, other than a magnificent burst of yellow-tinged-red flames, in front of a pair of green eyes, and brown eyes, flashing with a surpassing horror that had made the Dark Lunarian forget the rest of his mental-borne incantation, and the Magitek General let out an agonizing howl that briefly reminded him of the time he was playing shuffleboard with a Trickster, and his Lamia companion.  
  
Opening his eyes had found him sitting in a chair, back in the Council's Office waiting room where he had first started, Kefka grinning at him like a derranged idiot from where he sat across from him, slouched over haughtily in a chair.  
  
"Ha! So you're awake, Ri," Kefka's grin widened as he sat up, then stood, dusting off his robes. "Those idiots put a counter-spell on us! I think there's still time to escape before Charon gets back, so let's get moving! C'mon!"  
  
"Shut up, Palazzo," the Dark Lunarian muttered, slouching in his chair, and shutting his eyes again. He draped his arms across his chest gingerly, being rather careful as though not to muse the spot where he was stabbed in his earlier exploit, as now, being enveloped in somewhat of a peaceful nature, it began stinging like crazy again. "I'm sure you've --"  
  
"WHAT?! NO ONE tells KEFKA to 'shut up!' Even you!" snarled the Magitek General. His heavy boots thudded against the ground as he began to make his way over to the Dark Lunarian, but suddenly ceased. "V-Veranos! Dublanos!"  
  
Zeromus lazily snapped open an eye, and was up on his feet in an instant. Two dark-shrouded robed figures had slowly begun to make their way towards them, only to stop when they were about a foot away from breathing in their stunned faces.  
  
"_Kefka Palazzo_.. Zeromus Rikkan.. The council has appointed us to take you into custory for your eternal punishment.."  
  
The voice underneath the shadowed hood let out a idiotic chuckle, which earned his side a *_thwock!_* from the second figure.  
  
"Ah, damn it Cosmo! You have ruined the --"  
  
"COSMO?!" Kefka gasped, reaching forward to pull down the hood of the first voice, and instantly stumbled back. The green-haired fairy's idiotic grin stared back at him like a carved puppet.  
  
"You! Why you--!!" the Magitek General sputtered, his neatly manicured hands dropping, then reaching up to grasp portions of his hair, which he instantly ripped out. "_NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!_"  
  
Zeromus let out an exasperated sigh, and plopped back down into his chair, where he glared at Juandissimo derobing his face. This was certainly going to be one long eternity..   
  


- - - - - - -

  
  
Author's note: Yyyyup. Stupid story. But.. ::Shrug.:: I don't know. I always thought that two weird villains, and two odd faries in the world of 'Eternal Punishment' would be a dumb subject. I've proven myself right, especially with this cheesy ending. 


End file.
